I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
