I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
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Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
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A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
And then my night got REAL pukey
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