Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
