the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
