got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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