This is not my ceiling
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
i believe in u and ur pee
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
