Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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