had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
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