I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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