my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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