Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Randomize
