My liver just broke up with me...
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
