No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
