it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
