sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
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