If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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