who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
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