hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
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