Only a mothe r could love this liver
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Randomize
