My hand turned me down
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
