Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
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