I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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