You don't have asthma, your pregnant
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
me + whiskey = a bad person
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
