plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
