He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm like, not good at living.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
