Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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