a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Randomize
