Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
