I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
