The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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