I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
