Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Randomize
