life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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