did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
