I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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