today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
