she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
