If i come over, it means nothing
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
