Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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