i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
