ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not a walk of shame if you run
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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