Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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