New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
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