$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
