He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
