so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
