don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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