In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
