Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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