I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Success! We fucked roommates!
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