Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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