I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Randomize
