What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
where am i from again
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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