Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
