My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
