So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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