Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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