i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
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