My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
