Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
