So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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