Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
